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Benefits of Golf
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An 80-year old guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in
such great physical condition?"
"I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the
fairways."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's
still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me
this morning, and that's why he's still alive .. . . he's a golfer
too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean
you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible,
how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer. The doctor is getting
frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this
morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married
today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it "Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
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I Want That Job!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes into the unemployment office in Los Angeles to look at job
openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs it
doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots
something.
"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own
scissors. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus company car and all
expenses."
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and
walks up at the counter.
"I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number
E/784/B46."
"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in
Los Angeles. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. The agency
supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go
on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them
carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well,
but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The
Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have
to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."
"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd
really like to apply for the job."
The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus
ticket to Fresno."
"Fresno? What do I wanna go to Fresno for?"
"Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line
is at the moment."
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Kentucky
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical
help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
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Engineering Conversions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter?
Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup?
Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash?
one microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement?
one bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God?
one billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour?
Knot furlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone?
one Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine?
one semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches?
one megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis?
one hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes?
A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers?
one pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones?
one megaphone
14. 1 million bicycles?
two megacycles
15. 365.25 days?
one unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds?
two kilomockingbirds
17. 10 cards?
one decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs?
one Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks?
one literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish?
one microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins?
one terrapin
22. 10 rations?
one decoration
23. 100 rations?
one C-ration
24. 2 monograms?
one diagram
25. 8 nickels?
two paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University Hospital?
one I.V. League
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Bubba Hired by Wal-Mart
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An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of
resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided
to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer
would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's
on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know
of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an
instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light", he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped in my pants.
Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the Huntsville, AL, Wal-Mart.
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Picking on Blondes
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
.....................................................................
...
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me
to show it to you!"
.....................................................................
...
EXPOSURE A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open
and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says,"Ma'am, are you aware that I
could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus
again!"
.....................................................................
...
KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down
his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
.....................................................................
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BLONDE ON SPACE A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking
one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!! "
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
the Russian
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not that stupid. We're going at
night!"
....................................................................
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IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"
....................................................................
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FINAL EXAM The blonde reports for her university final examination
that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out
her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the
answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class
is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my
answers."
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THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new
dogs,and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
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Mideast
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In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish
man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,
everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She
went to the Western Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from
CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and
praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I
pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to
grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a freakin' wall."
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For Those of You Who Know Everything
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For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a
refresher course..............
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute
for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7)
times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years
of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1)
olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus
is normally associated with women what does this tell you?)
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in
the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer, so
did the first "Marlboro Man."
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca
Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow up stairs... but not down stairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least
six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living
room now!)
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second ?
William Jefferson Clinton (Please don't tell me you're
SURPRISED!?!!)
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people
like that; don't YOU?)
Now you know everything there is to know, of importance, that
is !!!
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